Why is my child hurting themself?
Self-harm can be either direct self-harm or indirect self-harm.
When your child is hurting themself it can be either:
Direct self-harm is a self-inflicted injury that is done intentionally and with the intention of harming oneself. It occurs here and now, such as cutting.
Indirect self-harm is when the injury does not occur directly in connection with the behaviour, but which has unforeseeable long-term consequences, such as an eating disorder.
My child is cutting itself
Do you know the feeling of not knowing what to do? Also do you know the feeling of not knowing how to react? Do you also know what it feels like when shame, guilt, doubt, self-blame and powerlessness take over? You may find it difficult to understand your child’s need to hide something from you. That a person you love has not dared tell you how they feel inside? Are you thinking: “My child is hurting itself or my child has an eating disorder.”
Self-harm counselling can help you
- You will gain a deeper understanding of what happens and what it means to a human being when they are hit by self-harming behaviour.
- You also get to understand how important a role you play in the relationship with each other.
- Furthermore you’ll get the tools to discover who your child, boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse is, and how you, through targeted dialogue can help strengthen their courage, hope and a new sense of connection with you and the world.
- You will be given a space where it’s OK to say all your chaotic thoughts out loud. Where it’s OK to say how effing incomprehensible it is for someone to intentionally harm themselves, not want to eat, make themselves vomit or just go on eating without stop. A place where it’s OK to say out loud why can’t they just stop?, and where strong emotions can be spoken and shaped into the strength and knowledge you need to help your loved one.
Relatives also struggle with difficult emotions
As a parent or relative, you are very much involved in the self-harmer’s universe. It is not only the self-harmer who struggles with difficult emotions. As a relative, you do too. Relatives rarely feel better than than the self-harmer. When they feel good, everyone feels good, and when they feel bad, everyone feels bad.
If you sometimes feel that you are being manipulated, controlled and that you are trapped in the self-harmer’s universe, you are not alone. There are many difficult and exhausting emotions to deal with. Often, relatives also come to feel guilty and shameful of their own feelings. It is also likely you find it difficult to prioritise getting help yourself. This is exactly like oxygen masks on an airplane – you MUST put on your own mask before helping others. It is so hard to be a part of a self-harmer’s universe that you can’t help them unless you help yourself.
What should I do? When my child is hurting themself
Because many relatives do not know what to do and how to react, the mood often becomes very tense. It is exhausting and often leads to burnout, which benefits neither the relative nor the self-harmer. Helping someone who is affected by self-harm requires significant mental and emotional resources and lots of patience.
Limits and demands
In my experience many relatives struggle with two things. First, it is difficult to set limits and make demands, as many fear pushing the self-harmer too much. Here it is important to understand the that limits and demands equal love. Therefore, limits and demands are two of the most important things when it comes to helping someone who is hit by self-harm. It is the way you help them to gain hope and a new sense of connection with you and the world.
The close relation is important
Since every human being is unique, every single relationship is also unique. The relationship between parent and child is especially deeper and more complex than any other and there is nothing simple or predictable about having a relationship with your child. As a parent or other relative, it is important you are aware that every single part of your relationship with the person who is hit by self-harm affects their behaviour.
A process
As a relative, you need to accept and acknowledge your own role in the relationship and realise that things are not necessarily as you thought. Especially when it comes to the parent-child relationship, it is important to recognise that it is both the words you say out loud, the facial expressions you make and all your non-verbal actions which affect your child. What you do and how you do it is crucial. Becoming aware of your own role and the emotional baggage that affects the way you act when it comes to your child is crucial for your child and your relationship. This is true whether you are a parent, spouse, sibling or friend.
Want to hear more?
If you would like to hear more, give me a call or send me an email. I am open for counselling by appointment, also in the evenings and on weekends. Everyone should have the opportunity to get help. So, I’m open when you have time.
If you’d like to hear more, just phone me or send me an email. I am open for counselling by appointment – also evenings and weekends because I believe everyone should be able to get help. So I’m open when you have time.
